Buttercream Icing with Sprinkles on Top:

Making Time for Your Marriage

Make the most of MINUTES: The most important thing is TIME:  there is almost always time, but we have found that we must constantly be willing to change the way we think about that time. Sometimes you only have a few minutes in a day, but you can make the most of it. We are in a season of crisis recovery in our family, we have made concessions.  We let our children sleep in much later than we prefer, but it means that my husband and I make time most mornings to enjoy a cup of coffee, compare our calendars, update our to do lists, read to each other (he reads Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest each day), laugh, pray, discuss important issues about the children, finances, or the crisis of the moment; work through a difference of opionion, or just sit...in the quiet...and take in the freshness of the morning---all without interruption. Glorious!!!!!

• morning coffee before everyone wakes up
• walking and talking (exercise and fellowship)
• phones calls, texts when my husband travels
• at home dates after little ones go to sleep or older ones occupied
• run errands together
• NOT answering  cell phones when you have a few minutes to visit with your dh
• Try for an at home date @ week and an out-of-the-house date @ month
• 1 minute hugs--my dh is very "huggy" and insists on at least a daily 1 minute hug 
• Especially when I get frantically busy, he breaks the chaos by looking directly in my eyes and saying "Have I told you today that I love you?"  Just a few seconds can change the course of a whole day.

Every PENNY counts: If your budget allows, set aside a regular amount for "dates" or trips, but $ is not absolutely necessary, and neither is an amount.  We have a VERY tight budget, but we still find ways to make the most of it.

• cup of coffee or an ice cream cone, does not have to be expensive
• prepare something special at home
• use a coupon book or restaurant.com to get discounted meals out.
• go out for appetizers instead of buying a heavy meal
• picnics make even the simplest meal extra special
• collect change for something special
• look for freebies---coupons, local events: concerts, festivals, etc.

Keep it SWEET like BUTTERCREAM icing:  Reconciled hearts are a lavish gift and not optional in a thriving marriage.  Tending to matters of the heart quickly, with charity makes for a perpetually sweet fellowship that is an encouragement, a source of strength and grace, a foundation for growing a family.  A state of peace in a marriage does not just happen.  It is hard work--denying ourselves, thinking past our own needs and ambitions, consciously striving to serve one another. When it is a two way street and both of you are working to lighten the load of the other,  you are both blessed and not used up.

• Overlook a little offense; it was probably unintentional anyway.
• Major on the majors.
• Be content. None of us are all things to all people---husbands included. :-)
• Don't parent you husband. Be is partner, not his mama. ;-)
• Prepare for your worst days.  Women's lives are very cyclical. Go with that.  When you have more energy and a brighter outlook, cook ahead, work on projects, get ready for the down time.  You know its coming, so plan ahead, so the things that bother you most will not be an issue.  If clutter bothers you, then work on that.  If deadlines bother you, get things done.  When you find yourself more sluggish or easily overwhelmed, slow down, rest. Often in these times, we are keenly aware of the things that are not going well, or that could improve, but we don't want to take out our frustrations on our families.

FLEX:  Whatever it takes, make it a priority to find a way. Over the years, we have made many adjustments.  When the children were small and we did not have built in sitters, we would spend an evening with the children, playing or watching a movie,  get them all bathed and tucked in by 8:00 pm, then we would have a quiet candle light dinner by ourselves.  Now that there are more teenagers than children here, they tuck us in at 8:00 pm and then watch a movie without us, lol.  Seriously, we do sometimes have an easy dinner or they cook for themselves and we watch a netflix movie by ourselves in our room.  At this stage, we still have a very tight budget that does not allow for going out, but we do have built in sitters that give us a lot more flexibility.

SPRINKLES:  We are currently married 25 years. Our marriage and honeymoon got off to a hilarious and challenging start.  It was like a movie with one blooper after another.  You just have to laugh, but that is another story.  All these years, we said we would make up for it on our 25th and take a fabulous trip.  Well, true to form, our plans have a way of turning out the opposite of our goal. Instead of a trip, I had major surgery, a hystectomy and was in the hospital at the time of our anniversary.  Not only did I have the surgery, but the laporascopic surgery I anticipated turned into complications that involved a more extensive procedure and a summer-long recovery.  Not only did we lose the time, but also, the money we were saving for a trip.

Had we focused on what was lost, our grief from a shattered dream, then we would have wasted what has become a treasured memory for us.  Instead of wallowing in the self-pity of what might have been, could have been, should have been, we have learned to receive both our joys and frustrations with gratitude.  Even though I was not in the best shape, those three days in the hospital were precious. I would doze in and out of much needed rest and wake to find my sweet husband in the recliner next to me, holding my hand.  We had nowhere to go, nothing to do, but just enjoy each other's presence.  We talked, we watched TV, we planned again for someday. We pretended we were in a resort with no agenda. The last day, I managed to get some make-up on, get out of the hospital gown and into my own pjs.  The hospital I was in has really good food that you order up like room service, so we both ordered the same dinner: trout, salad, baked potato and strawberry short cake.  We ate dinner and watched a netflix movie (yes wifi in the room) and celebrated our 25 years of making it work.

Someday that trip might happen. Then again, it might not.  The great thing is that it really doesn't matter.  Our lives  are a collection of moments that are pieced together like a tapestry, a quilt, a giant jigsaw puzzle.  A collection of walks, morning coffee, text messages, sweet cards, little notes, kind words, inside jokes, romantic dates, smiles across a crowded room, listening to nightly cricket concerts on our own front porch, holding hands everywhere, all the time.  A trip would simply be the sprinkles on top!